Warning

Okay, I need to send a fair warning that this blog is going to be pretty inappropriate. Well at least I think that it might get inappropriate. I have only written the sentences you are reading. Maybe this warning means I will censor myself more. Or maybe I will feel more free then ever and just the the fraking swear words start flowing. (I just made a really cheesy Sci-Fi joke. A virtual high five goes out to the reader that knows just what the frak I am referencing.)

Okay, I got sidelined. I wasn't quite sure what to write about next. I've had an idea or two, but nothing came to fruition until last night. I was out on the town enjoying an evening of beverages and the company of a few friends and coworkers. This is when inspiration struck in the form of Liquid Cocaine. It is a delightful drink. (If anyone of my relatives is reading this, I'm sure I enjoyed it within reason. Yes, definitely within reason.) Let's just go back to the cocaine part of this story though. The shot is named LIQUID COCAINE. Who feels weird about this? Is it just me? Let's pretend I'm talking to my momisita and she asked what I did last night. I would say, "Oh, same old, same old. Just had some liquid cocaine. Hung out. Nothing big." Doesn't something seem slightly off here? It seems as if whoever is naming these shots is really sexually frustrated, a druggie, and maybe a few other weird things. Here are a few examples: Slippery Nipple (or Buttery Nipple), El Chupa Libre, Horny Bastard, Sex with an Alligator, Blow Job, etc. The list goes on. Let's imagine that we felt so free to name things in our ordinary lives like we name our shots. Can you imagine being out to dinner and someone asks, "Can you pass the Red Headed Slut." Aw-kwa-rd. I think I'll try to throw out shot names at different times during my day. Here are future conversation starters, "Congratulations on your Duck Fart." (that one isn't sexual, but I wanted to write it ever so badly). Or, "Hey Monkey Spunk, how are you?" Or, "Are you still with that Kickin' Chicken." I bet you're thirsty now.

Here's hoping that you all aren't offended...

P.S. I put hyperlinks for some of the shots and then I got tired and didn't care anymore to label the rest. So if you want to check on the validity of some of them just google it.

Benjamin

On Thursady, I found out a friend of mine (and of the worlds) died in Haiti. Ben Larson was one of the best people to enter my life. I know that I am among many people who were blessed to know Ben. There are not enough words to describe what kind of a loss this is. He touched so many people by his existence, and the loss of his life is felt globally. I offer my prayers and condolences to his wife, Renee, and his cousin, Jon who where in Haiti with Ben. I can't imagine the grief they are feeling. I also send my prayers and condolences to his parents, April and Judd, and his family and friends. The love that his parents had for him was so full. I think every space of their hearts was full for Ben and everything he accomplished.

I keep listening to his music. It is so strange that Ben's words are my biggest consolation. He has blessed us in life and somehow found comfort for us after. I read an article where the pastor from his internship in Lincoln said, "God keeps us all together even when we feel we are falling apart." This has stuck with me. A lot of times in tragedy people say, "Everything happens for a reason." I really can't believe that. I do believe that in the face of tragedy, we are given the opportunity to come together and communicate God's grace through being there for each other. I have really seen communities come together. I have had friends just sit with me and listen. It is in the beauty of this togetherness that I see God. I want to finish with some memories of Ben. His humor and outright randomness was my favorite part of knowing him.

We always played the slap game where you try and slap the other person's hand before they move it away. He was especially good at the crossover slap! We would play for so long that my knuckles would be red for hours. I loved it! We were both so competitive neither of us would want to give up if the other was winning (or if either of us was winning).

At any moment in time, Ben could pull belly button lint out. It did not matter if he had just pulled some out. He could always find more. This grossed me out, mystified me, and impressed me all at the same time.

On a day camp in Madison, we went paddle boating on the lake. Carl and Ben had this overly sized paddle boat that had the huge fan in the back. It looked like it belonged in the bayou or something. While Becca, Carrie and I were on a regular plastic paddle boat. Ben and Carl paddled their way up to us and Ben took a leap of faith and jumped on to our meager boat! The force broke our rudder off and we were stranded! Ben and Carl had to paddle their way in to retrieve oars for us to row our boat to the dock. It was hilarious.

I know that there are so many more memories to share. I also know that so many other people have more. This is an unreal situation. Friday is his memorial service at Luther. I have mixed feelings. I have been craving being in the presence of mutual friends, friends who understand what kind of loss this is. But I know that it will seem more real, and I don't know how ready I am for that.

Thank you for reading. I ask that you all pray for Ben, his family, his friends and for the thousands of people suffering in Haiti.

Here's hoping for healing.

Little b's

It has recently come to my attention that my business venture can only be short lived. Since today is the last day of my anti-Anthrax medicine, I have to rescind my offer of services regarding mail opening. Alas, it was a good run while it lasted. Since it never actually got started, I am going out on top. 100% awesome. I didn’t have a single complaint in the suggestion box. I didn’t have one unhappy customer. Granted there was not a suggestion box or any customers. That all seems mute now. Basically I walking out of this venture completely successful. I am pleased to be safely out of this dangerous line of business. I almost put my life on the line. No, I am not talking about the Anthrax. I’m good with that. I am talking about the possible paper cuts. They are nasty little b’s, and by b’s I mean bastards. (What! Watch your mouth! Dear readers, I can’t believe you read that. I know you did! I thought you would have the courtesy enough to skip over it. I am appalled. Okay, not really. You caught me.) Anyhoodles, Back to those pesky b’s. I am already trying to recover from a paper cut I sustained earlier this week. It has been a rough road, but I have been told by numerous people that I have complained to about it that I will live. They all rolled their eyes at me when I mentioned the possibilities of death from this wound, which makes me wonder what my life expectancy really is. The scoffing has me questioning my chances of survival. It’s not looking good.

Here’s hoping I make it to tomorrow.

Anthrax.

No sir/ma'am (gots to be gender neutral you know, fo sho)! I am not referencing the band with the crazily facially endowed front man, Scott Ian. No, I am referencing the wild spore forming bacterium. Yes. Yes, I am. Turns out that the medicine I am on to treat my delightful (sarcasm intended here!) sinusitis (or a sinus infection if you want me to use the less fun words) is a wicked strong antibiotic used to prevent or treat slow Anthrax. I don't know how you would feel finding this out. But I am comforted. I can open all the mail I want! Got any suspicious mail hanging around. Don't worry. I'll come over. I'm covered. I'll risk it. I will totally accept monetary donations though. I mean really, can you put a price on your life? Or the prevention of slow Anthrax. The answer is yes. Of course you can. You can put a price on anything. And I am willing to accept your money. I'm thinking of doing some advertising. First I need a business name. How's Mara's Mail Murder Prevention, Inc.? Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Creepy. I'll keep brainstorming, but I'm pretty sure I'm on to something here.

Here's hoping I can make some money, honey!

Blogging?

So I thought to myself, "Self, you are hilarious. Why don't you take some of your excellent humor and start a blog?" Well many months later (I say months later due to my PD, that Procrastinator's Disease. It's a serious condition that I'm sure I'll learn about someday when I get the time), here I am writing into the nothingness of internet land; dreaming the dreams of greatness that only the internet can bring. I mean, who could want anything more than their name in URL? I know that's all I have dreamed about since my youthful days of playing Frogger on the refrigerator sized computer. I don't think URLs even existed then, but my soul knew what greatness could be mine someday when that little green frog went splat. So thank you blogspot. Thank you for making this woman's dreams of internet writing freedom come true. In my own mind, I am brilliant. But how do I pass that brilliance onto to you, my non-existent readers? I only say non-existent because I haven't quite told anyone about my delightful idea quite yet. But I'm sure I can post on facebook and hope that four or five people take a gander at this little time waster. Okay, okay maybe ten. I have friends. Right. Right? Right. Well this is all for now. I can only do so much first time around you know.

Here's hoping this isn't the first of the last.