Here is my weekend

So this weekend, one of my friends and I drove five fun filled hours across the glorious state of Iowa on Friday night. We did this to find ourselves in Coralville/Iowa City. Now of course for lodgings we wanted the best of the best, and boy did we get it at the Motel 6! Glorious lodgings indeed! I hope that you all know me enough to sense the sarcasm I was trying to infer there, but instead have stated in an obvious fashion right now: I am being sarcastic. I was scared for my life and the life I lead that is currently free of bed bugs. It was gross and smelled like smoke and old air freshener. Being the smarty pants that I am, I checked for the little ucky beasts and did not find any. I feel as if I survived an episode of Fear Factor by staying the night. I might have developed a respiratory infection, but I won the satisfaction of Motel 6 fear factor survival, and that is surely enough to make my life worth living.

Next, we left the glorious 6 for the standard breakfast, a little light shopping and the Hawkeye game. Whilst attending the Hawkeye game, the heavens opened up and rain, oh rain came pouring down! We only made it to half time. Then we decided to kick it out of there. We abandoned football for shopping. A great decision that resulted in a very discounted Coach purse for me. Since my clothes were soaking wet, I changed at a truck stop. I felt like a truck stop hooker. I had tall boots and a dress to change into. It was awkward. No offers were made, rest assured. I'll always keep it classy in Iowa.

Here's hoping for a bed bug free world...it's possible America.

the haitus is over

Oh blogging world! I have missed you. It's true: I abandoned you for too long. I just needed a break. I felt a little smothered by you, but once you were gone...oh how I knew that I needed you back! Wait don't leave, I didn't mean to say smothered...I meant to say, uh...crowded...no that isn't it...uh non-spacial-ly compatible...yeah...better? No...oh. Fine, I'll tell you the truth. But don't blame me if you can't handle the truth!!!! It all started with me being busy and ended with laziness. Whew I feel much better now. The air has been cleared by the sweet, sweeping odor of truth.

On the other side of life I have been rocking the wrist brace lately. I personally feel like it is a pretty useful, not to mention sexy addition to my wardrobe lately. I don't say that just because my friend's dog thought my black brace was a chew toy. He tried to eat it whilst my wrist was still inside. Fantastic. That story relates to the useful portion of the wrist brace. So not only does it keep me from further injury, it entertains our furry friends. Now to address the sexy side of the wrist brace. Oh wait, it is not sexy. It is awkward. When I said sexy, I must have meant annoying conversation piece. It usually goes like this. Stranger starting conversation with me, "Carpal Tunnel?" Me, "No ka - ra - tee incident." Stranger, "Really?" Me, "No."

Back the train up

So I have been slacking lately on keeping up with the blog. I blame everyone and everything that does not involve me. Totally not my fault. I mean how could it be my fault? It's not like I'm the only one who works on this thing...or types it...or...or...uh...okay okay it's my fault! I've been busy...and tired...and I have been slightly obsessed with watching old school tv shows on hulu. (I feel dirty calling them old school, since they are what I watched when I was ...uh...younger) I made it through season one of Charles in Charge (which was AWESOME) and am working on season two of Major Dad. Basically I am becoming a better person. I learned so much from Charles and I still got to ogle Scott Bayo (holla!). What could be better than objectification mixed with life lesson? Nothing in my book. And my book is a book worth reading.

Well on a slightly less television related note, by slightly less I mean not at all relating to television, I was attacked. Attacked I say! Sit down...come back to the computer. I say that because I am sure you are all in uproar about such a thing. Let me explain though. Here I was dreaming dreams of daisies, shoes, and my kingdom where I rule as princess, when Peter the Bat attacked me with the beating of his wings. Or I like to call it the flap of fury. You may be asking, "Who is Peter the Bat?" Good question. He is the bat that has been squatting in my basement for about a month. He was not invited and has become a very troubling house guest. I think it rather rude to interrupt delightful dreams with the wings of death. Here is what I have to say to Peter: Oh Peter why! Why frighten me? Why make me run up a flight of stairs screaming to ask for aid from my roommate all while not wearing pants? (It was hot and I didn't want to sleep in pants...back off). Oh Peter, both of us can't exist in that house. Either you go or I go. And we both know that you would be happier outdoors than me. I'm scared of bugs and you like to eat them. See? I think I have made my point. Ahgoodday. (please read with a British accent and tip your imaginary hat whilst reading "Ahgoodday.")

Here's hoping Peter and I can end this amicably.

No Kitty NO!!!!

Brace yourselves party people.

Last week I killed a cat. The Honda Fit flattened the cat, and the tenacious tabby took out the Fit. That is, it broke a plastic piece beneath my bumper. Here is the story. I am driving along on Highway 20 just before Correctionville. I reach down for a delicious Dot (that is right the yummiriffic and delectable gumdrop), and POP... the cat got out of the hat and ran in front of my wheeling wheels. I could not swerve. I could not break. Oh so much at stake! (And I could not even enjoy my gumdrop.) There were cars every which way. I felt it. I felt death take this cats life, and I was the cause. I did the wrong thing and looked in my rear-view mirror, only to see the formerly fresh feline fly and its fur feather away...oh woah is the kitty whose life I stole. So my heart is saddened at this point. I even called my mom to find comfort. But sadness only claimed my heart for a moment until I realize that there is a black plastic piece dragging along the highway. This was also the moment I realized that if I am ever in a car accident, I am screwed. If a cat (granted it was pretty big) can take off a piece of the Fit, I am worried that the cat may not be the only flattened fool on the highway. Yikes that was morose and morbid...but true. I have decided that every time (from this point on) I get into the Fit, I will wear bubble wrap head to toe. I only hope that I don't get carried away popping the contained air. Safety first you know. Maybe I will also wear a helmet, but it has to afford me peripheral vision. And maybe some knee and shoulder pads. And if I have a guy friend riding in the car, I will keep a cup in the glove box. That way I can let everyone know I am always thinking of their safety. There will be no more death on mine or the Fit's watch!

Here's hoping for fastly fixing the Fit...

Where's my life jacket!?!?!

WOAH Party People! Hold up. Stop wait a minute. I need to take a moment to point out that I have some bad luck. Seriously, I have some bad luck. Last week was a trying time in the life and times of Mara D. I feel like Mr. Universe was all, "Hey Mara!" And I was like, "What Mr. Universe?" And he was like, "Suck it." And I was like, "Huh?" And then last week, I understood.

Let me further the narrative with some details. Monday was already a trying day for me. But it was capped off by the basement flooding. Now I should point out for those of you that don't know that I live in the basement. Dun Dun Dun. Yes dear readers and aforementioned party people, my bedroom was sopping. I could have used a dingy (get your mind out of the gutter...I mean the boat!) to swim through my room. Well this last part is for comedic value. It was bad, but the water wasn't standing in my room. Perhaps more water poured from my own eyes than was on the floor. I had already mentioned it was a rough day. I cried and cried and cried...and then just to see if I could, I cried some more. Well, though some guidance and assistance from a stranger, (seriously, I don't know the guy who helped shop vac my room) we pulled up the carpet and let it dry.

This leads me to Friday. Imagine a beautiful brisk spring morning and a Friday on top of that. What could go wrong? While I am beautifying myself for work, I hear, "DING DING DING DONG DONG DONG." (Maybe not in that order.) I go to the door with wet hair and definitely no make up. And there is a small man at my door. He was there to lay new carpet padding and put the dry carpet back down. While walking down my stairs I smell gas...yep gas. The water heater had broken, leaked and taken the pilot light out with it. What a cruel way to go! SO natural gas is leaking into my house and the carpet guy is in my room, and I am not ready for work. So what did I do? I put on make up, told my roomies and bailed on the situation. Bam. That's how I roll. Well not really how I would have liked to handle the situation, but what do you do? Get to steppin.

Anyway, Cest la Vie.

Here's hoping there are not any other natural home disasters heading my way. I ran out of lifelines on this last one.

my new level of cool

So I know you know that I am a pretty awesome gal (by the way only awesome people use the word "gal"). I have recently become a much cooler person. You might be asking yourself, "But how could Mara possibly become cooler. She's already are the epitome of cool." To that I have to say, "Thank you. I know." But it is indeed true. I have finally ventured into the world of phones with keyboards. This is the new level of awesome that I am referencing. It's like I finally know happiness. To text quickly is to text happily. I think the seconds I have saved utilizing my new keyboard have opened my eyes to the beauty of the world. What a glorious place we live in! With the old texting method I used, I probably would have missed flowers blooming, trees growing, and maybe even spring in its totality. But not now. Not anymore.

Do I miss the flip phone? I can't lie to you. I kind of do. I miss the way I could flip it open with attitude and grace, but does my new and vibrant hot pink cell phone case make up for it. Why yes, yes it does. If you see me on the street, go ahead and send me a text. I'll reply with lightning quick speed, and you can first hand witness how this validates me even more as a person. BAM.

Here's hoping for a steady stream of awesomeness for the future. No problem.

whoa is me...

I wish I had a fainting coach. I would totally use it today. I feel icky. I just spent the last two hours at urgent care. I have a respiratory infection and a sprained foot. And wouldn't you know they wanted to give me Cipro again, aka the Anthrax medicine, for the respiratory infection! Probably because I am allergic to absolutely everything else in the world. BUT since last time (as you might recall) I had FIVE out of the SEVEN side effects I asked to have the Z-Pac. Which I am probably allergic to it. Honestly, it is related to one of the medicines I am allergic to, but I am taking the risk anyway. Just so you don't think I am crazy (more crazy than you already think I am), I have had the Z-Pac before.

Back to that fainting coach. I think I get my best ideas when I am sick. I know what I want in life. I want a fainting coach that follows its owner around. It would of course be invisible until needed. And when it is needed, bam!!!!, it would catch its owner (me of course) automatically. And I could land comfortably with my hand dramatically on my forehead. They will sell like hotcakes! Hotcakes I tell you! What?!?! Do I hear doubt in cyberland. I think you are thinking there are a few minor details to deal with like...color and cushion size. I am sure those things will really fall into place.

Here's hoping that a nice night of rest awaits me.

This is a bit awkward but...

Oh Spring. You came back.

Every year I have a love affair with Spring and Summer. I go outside. Bask and bask. And every year I get used and left behind. But I don't mind, at lease not right away. I start out loving Spring, then it's an easy transition to Summer. We are so happy together outside enjoying sunshine and light breezes. But Summer leaves, so I settle for Fall. It isn't until Winter comes knocking on my door that I realize how much I miss the "S" seasons. Winter is always like, "Hey baby, it won't be like last time. I'm doing better for myself. I swear." But it's all lies! LIES, I tell you. You are probably thinking this is weird. Well stop judging me. You don't know me! This year will be different...Yeah different...it won't happen again. I'm going to figure out how to follow my lovely favorite seasons so they NEVER LEAVE me again! You hear me Spring and Summer. I'll follow you. I will!!!!! Ahahahaha! (make sure you read that out loud really creepily).

Here's hoping...that I'm not really this crazy someday. I'm scared. ;)

Charge!

So life without a charger for my computer has been quite interesting. So I am taking care of that situation as I type. Currently I am on hold with someone in a different country about getting a new one sent out to me. I am not sure if this person is a woman or a man. I want to ask, but I realize that would be a weird question. I wouldn't like it if someone said that to me. However, I don't think I have an worries for that since I have been told that I have an unnaturally high voice. But can I tell you that I don't hear that in my head. Why is that? I'm sure it has to do with vocal vibration and all that jazz. But learning that my voice is not as low as I thought was a sad day for me. My dreams of becoming a pirate were lost. No one will take a high pitched pirate seriously. You can't say, "Shiver me timbers" or "Walk the plank" and sound like a lost bird and expect any sort of emotional impact worth while. So I now I have too look for other life goals. Blast. It isn't easy to be me. (I want you to know that I had "ain't" in that sentence and I literally couldn't use it. Maybe you can imagine it though. I think it is sounds funnier, but I can't do it. It isn't in my bones.)

Update on the charger: I got transferred to a tech guy, (that's right it was a guy. I am pretty sure on that one) and I am getting a charger for FREE! Heck yeah!

Here's hoping for POWER. LOTS AND LOTS of POWER.

To the mean man at the movie today

So I just got back from watching Shutter Island at the movie theater. I must tell you that it is a VERY good movie, and I do recommend it. But my movie going experience was tainted by a meanie of a man. Yes I said meanie of a man. During the previews the song "Mad World" played. This song is originally done by Tears for Fears but then covered by Gary Jules for the movie Donnie Darko. Now I just couldn't think of the movie that it was in (Donnie Darko if you follow). So I sent a text message to ask. While I was awaiting the response, I remembered and sent a follow up text expressing that. Whilst in the middle of my text, the man behind me leans forward and says in a rude tone, "MA'AM TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE. I PAID TO SEE A MOVIE NOT THE SCREEN OF YOUR CELL PHONE," to which I responded, "Sir, give me a minute and I will." The opening credits had just started and I was just sending the text to communicate I had answered my own question. It was really quite innocent. So here is my letter to the meanie of a man saying what I wish I would have said,

Dear Meanie of a Man,

You are not nice. I was just sending a text and then I would have been done. You are a big doo doo head and I don't like you. I hope you trip and tear a nice piece of clothing on your way out and you feel really upset about it. And I hope you lose a button too! Also, I think you need to look within yourself and think about who you are, Mr. Grumpkis. I am a nice lady and you are not. Also you kicked my chair twice. And I didn't pay for that. Where's my refund?! I'll accept sunshine, butterflies and smiles. I don't think you can afford that though, so I'll accept credit card or cash in their place.

Suck it.

m.dek (that's my rap name)

peace.

here's hoping that karma exists.

Warning

Okay, I need to send a fair warning that this blog is going to be pretty inappropriate. Well at least I think that it might get inappropriate. I have only written the sentences you are reading. Maybe this warning means I will censor myself more. Or maybe I will feel more free then ever and just the the fraking swear words start flowing. (I just made a really cheesy Sci-Fi joke. A virtual high five goes out to the reader that knows just what the frak I am referencing.)

Okay, I got sidelined. I wasn't quite sure what to write about next. I've had an idea or two, but nothing came to fruition until last night. I was out on the town enjoying an evening of beverages and the company of a few friends and coworkers. This is when inspiration struck in the form of Liquid Cocaine. It is a delightful drink. (If anyone of my relatives is reading this, I'm sure I enjoyed it within reason. Yes, definitely within reason.) Let's just go back to the cocaine part of this story though. The shot is named LIQUID COCAINE. Who feels weird about this? Is it just me? Let's pretend I'm talking to my momisita and she asked what I did last night. I would say, "Oh, same old, same old. Just had some liquid cocaine. Hung out. Nothing big." Doesn't something seem slightly off here? It seems as if whoever is naming these shots is really sexually frustrated, a druggie, and maybe a few other weird things. Here are a few examples: Slippery Nipple (or Buttery Nipple), El Chupa Libre, Horny Bastard, Sex with an Alligator, Blow Job, etc. The list goes on. Let's imagine that we felt so free to name things in our ordinary lives like we name our shots. Can you imagine being out to dinner and someone asks, "Can you pass the Red Headed Slut." Aw-kwa-rd. I think I'll try to throw out shot names at different times during my day. Here are future conversation starters, "Congratulations on your Duck Fart." (that one isn't sexual, but I wanted to write it ever so badly). Or, "Hey Monkey Spunk, how are you?" Or, "Are you still with that Kickin' Chicken." I bet you're thirsty now.

Here's hoping that you all aren't offended...

P.S. I put hyperlinks for some of the shots and then I got tired and didn't care anymore to label the rest. So if you want to check on the validity of some of them just google it.

Benjamin

On Thursady, I found out a friend of mine (and of the worlds) died in Haiti. Ben Larson was one of the best people to enter my life. I know that I am among many people who were blessed to know Ben. There are not enough words to describe what kind of a loss this is. He touched so many people by his existence, and the loss of his life is felt globally. I offer my prayers and condolences to his wife, Renee, and his cousin, Jon who where in Haiti with Ben. I can't imagine the grief they are feeling. I also send my prayers and condolences to his parents, April and Judd, and his family and friends. The love that his parents had for him was so full. I think every space of their hearts was full for Ben and everything he accomplished.

I keep listening to his music. It is so strange that Ben's words are my biggest consolation. He has blessed us in life and somehow found comfort for us after. I read an article where the pastor from his internship in Lincoln said, "God keeps us all together even when we feel we are falling apart." This has stuck with me. A lot of times in tragedy people say, "Everything happens for a reason." I really can't believe that. I do believe that in the face of tragedy, we are given the opportunity to come together and communicate God's grace through being there for each other. I have really seen communities come together. I have had friends just sit with me and listen. It is in the beauty of this togetherness that I see God. I want to finish with some memories of Ben. His humor and outright randomness was my favorite part of knowing him.

We always played the slap game where you try and slap the other person's hand before they move it away. He was especially good at the crossover slap! We would play for so long that my knuckles would be red for hours. I loved it! We were both so competitive neither of us would want to give up if the other was winning (or if either of us was winning).

At any moment in time, Ben could pull belly button lint out. It did not matter if he had just pulled some out. He could always find more. This grossed me out, mystified me, and impressed me all at the same time.

On a day camp in Madison, we went paddle boating on the lake. Carl and Ben had this overly sized paddle boat that had the huge fan in the back. It looked like it belonged in the bayou or something. While Becca, Carrie and I were on a regular plastic paddle boat. Ben and Carl paddled their way up to us and Ben took a leap of faith and jumped on to our meager boat! The force broke our rudder off and we were stranded! Ben and Carl had to paddle their way in to retrieve oars for us to row our boat to the dock. It was hilarious.

I know that there are so many more memories to share. I also know that so many other people have more. This is an unreal situation. Friday is his memorial service at Luther. I have mixed feelings. I have been craving being in the presence of mutual friends, friends who understand what kind of loss this is. But I know that it will seem more real, and I don't know how ready I am for that.

Thank you for reading. I ask that you all pray for Ben, his family, his friends and for the thousands of people suffering in Haiti.

Here's hoping for healing.

Little b's

It has recently come to my attention that my business venture can only be short lived. Since today is the last day of my anti-Anthrax medicine, I have to rescind my offer of services regarding mail opening. Alas, it was a good run while it lasted. Since it never actually got started, I am going out on top. 100% awesome. I didn’t have a single complaint in the suggestion box. I didn’t have one unhappy customer. Granted there was not a suggestion box or any customers. That all seems mute now. Basically I walking out of this venture completely successful. I am pleased to be safely out of this dangerous line of business. I almost put my life on the line. No, I am not talking about the Anthrax. I’m good with that. I am talking about the possible paper cuts. They are nasty little b’s, and by b’s I mean bastards. (What! Watch your mouth! Dear readers, I can’t believe you read that. I know you did! I thought you would have the courtesy enough to skip over it. I am appalled. Okay, not really. You caught me.) Anyhoodles, Back to those pesky b’s. I am already trying to recover from a paper cut I sustained earlier this week. It has been a rough road, but I have been told by numerous people that I have complained to about it that I will live. They all rolled their eyes at me when I mentioned the possibilities of death from this wound, which makes me wonder what my life expectancy really is. The scoffing has me questioning my chances of survival. It’s not looking good.

Here’s hoping I make it to tomorrow.

Anthrax.

No sir/ma'am (gots to be gender neutral you know, fo sho)! I am not referencing the band with the crazily facially endowed front man, Scott Ian. No, I am referencing the wild spore forming bacterium. Yes. Yes, I am. Turns out that the medicine I am on to treat my delightful (sarcasm intended here!) sinusitis (or a sinus infection if you want me to use the less fun words) is a wicked strong antibiotic used to prevent or treat slow Anthrax. I don't know how you would feel finding this out. But I am comforted. I can open all the mail I want! Got any suspicious mail hanging around. Don't worry. I'll come over. I'm covered. I'll risk it. I will totally accept monetary donations though. I mean really, can you put a price on your life? Or the prevention of slow Anthrax. The answer is yes. Of course you can. You can put a price on anything. And I am willing to accept your money. I'm thinking of doing some advertising. First I need a business name. How's Mara's Mail Murder Prevention, Inc.? Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Creepy. I'll keep brainstorming, but I'm pretty sure I'm on to something here.

Here's hoping I can make some money, honey!

Blogging?

So I thought to myself, "Self, you are hilarious. Why don't you take some of your excellent humor and start a blog?" Well many months later (I say months later due to my PD, that Procrastinator's Disease. It's a serious condition that I'm sure I'll learn about someday when I get the time), here I am writing into the nothingness of internet land; dreaming the dreams of greatness that only the internet can bring. I mean, who could want anything more than their name in URL? I know that's all I have dreamed about since my youthful days of playing Frogger on the refrigerator sized computer. I don't think URLs even existed then, but my soul knew what greatness could be mine someday when that little green frog went splat. So thank you blogspot. Thank you for making this woman's dreams of internet writing freedom come true. In my own mind, I am brilliant. But how do I pass that brilliance onto to you, my non-existent readers? I only say non-existent because I haven't quite told anyone about my delightful idea quite yet. But I'm sure I can post on facebook and hope that four or five people take a gander at this little time waster. Okay, okay maybe ten. I have friends. Right. Right? Right. Well this is all for now. I can only do so much first time around you know.

Here's hoping this isn't the first of the last.